Why Women Struggle to Put Themselves First: A Story 300,000 Years in the Making

When I spend my day running around after others, and putting myself bottom of the pile, I am not only grumpy and resentful, but I’m TEACHING my daughters that it’s essential to put others first. This is NOT how I want them to grow up!

Have you ever wondered why women - especially mums - feel such a deep-rooted obligation to put everyone else first? Why guilt creeps in the moment we take time for ourselves? Why it feels selfish to rest, recharge, or simply do something for the joy of it? Maybe it stems from hunter-gatherer times?

For the majority of human history, our ancestors lived as hunter-gatherers - small, tight-knit communities that relied on cooperation for survival. Women played a central role in these societies, gathering food, caring for children, and ensuring the group’s well-being. We only ever really hear about men going out hunting, but women actually provided 80% of the group’s food through foraging! (So the invisible load begins…)

This lifestyle required constant nurturing, caregiving, and social cooperation. Women weren’t just responsible for their own children—they supported the whole community. Their value was measured by their ability to contribute, care, and ensure the survival of the group.

Fast-forward 300,000 years, and while society has changed dramatically, our deeply ingrained instincts haven’t.

Over time, caregiving seems to have transformed from a survival strategy into an expectation of self-sacrifice. We have this idea (maybe through religious teachings, and social norms) that a “good woman” or a “good mother” is one who put others first, always. Even now that women work, there is still an expectation that we will manage the household, care for children, and support the family emotionally. The mental load - the invisible labour of keeping everything running - is a real thing.

The world we live in today no longer requires the same level of self-sacrifice for survival. Yet, the old programming persists. We feel guilt when we take time for ourselves. We feel like we should be productive 24/7. We struggle to prioritise joy because we’ve been told for generations that our worth is tied to what we do for others.

But here’s the truth:

-       You do not need to earn rest.

-       Joy is not a luxury—it’s a necessity.

-       Your value is not defined by how much you give.

The good news? Just as cultural expectations were shaped over centuries, we can rewrite them - for ourselves and for future generations. Here’s how:

✨ Acknowledge that we have been conditioned to feel like this  – recognise that guilt around self-care is inherited thinking. ✨ Start small – Take 10–15 minutes a day to do something just for you, without justification. ✨ Set boundaries – Saying no isn’t selfish; it’s self-respect. ✨ Lead by example – Show your children, friends, and community that prioritizing joy is healthy, not indulgent.

You Deserve Joy—Without Guilt

You are not just a caregiver. You are a person with dreams, needs, and a right to live fully. The expectations placed on women may have deep historical roots, but they are not rules we must follow today.

So, let’s start small.

🌿 What’s one thing that brings you joy but always gets pushed aside? Drop it in the comments—I’d love to know!

Let’s reclaim our time, our joy, and ourselves—one small step at a time. Let's teach our children how to do it RIGHT.💛